 marshalltaylor.ca |
|
|
|
.
|
SAME-SEX
CEREMONIES TRANSPORTATION
| PROCESSIONAL |
VOWS | READINGS
| RING EXCHANGE | PRONOUNCEMENT
PRESENTATION | CERTIFICATE |
TOASTS | CAKE |
OTHER RECEPTION TRADITIONS CEREMONY TRANSPORTATION Purpose: to highlight the status of the bride by providing her (and her parents) with a stately mode of transportation to the ceremony; to provide a romantic mode of transportation between the ceremony and reception for the newly married couple
THE PROCESSIONAL Purpose:
to symbolize the passing of responsibility for the bride from the
bride’s father to the groom
In terms of music, while Bridal Chorus ("Here Comes the Bride") and The Wedding March are the most well known choices for processionals, they weren't suitable for our situation as both are closely associated with the bride. However, this was not a problem as many (if not most) traditional weddings avoid these selections specifically because they are so stereotypical. Our research revealed that processional music is to be joyous and dramatic with a slow tempo and CD compilations of wedding music listed dozens of traditional options. We settled on the appropriately masculine sounding Prince of Denmark's March (also known as Trumpet Voluntary).
VOWS AND CEREMONY
WORDING Purpose: for the officiant to guide participants through the ceremony; for the officiant to explain the significance of the commitment to the couple and guests; for the couple to publicly pledge their commitment to one another Adaptation: Terri was a tremendous help in this regard
as she provided a suggested script for the ceremony which we
then adapted in order to fit our tastes and situation. It was actually a wonderful experience for us as it involved a great deal of discussion and reflection
on why we were having this ceremony and what we wanted to say to each
other and to our assembled friends and family. To tell the truth, writing our own vows from scratch
would have just been too daunting, especially for a perfectionist like
Peter! We also really liked
the style of repeating vows after an officiant as it made the ceremony As with every other aspect of the wedding, we did a fair amount of research to ensure that the order and wording of the ceremony was as traditional as possible. Surprisingly, we discovered that although there was an overwhelming amount of information on every aspect of a wedding preceding and following the time at the altar, there seemed to be virtually nothing written about the ceremony itself! We figured this must be because it is the domain of the celebrants and was therefore not published either out of reverence (in the case of religious weddings) or livelihood (in the case of secular officiants who offer ceremony text as part of their service). However, we found enough references to end up with a ceremony that was a perfect blend of tradition and spirituality. For functional aspects such as the exchange of rings and vows we used very standard wording in order to make our intentions crystal clear, rather than diluting them in alternative poetic prose. Our vows were a good example of this: Do you Brandon . . . promise to stay by Peter's side; to have and to hold him from this day forward to be with him in good times and bad, through sickness and health, in happiness and despair, and to love and to cherish him, as long as you both shall live? At the same time, spiritual aspects of the ceremony such as the readings and closing meditation were just as significant as religious standards thanks to Terri's Humanist philosophies. Out of consideration for Terri we are not publishing the ceremony text on our website for public use but we would be pleased to e-mail it to couples who are sincerely interested in having a similar style of wedding. (As a footnote we should note that there are many more related websites than we were originally aware. Celebrant Rev. Wendy Lyon's site, which we discovered just before our wedding, seems to be the most comprehensive.)
Purpose:
based on standard church services where two bible passages are read to
the Adaptation: find non-religious and gender neutral inspirational tracts. There were a surprising amount of resources for non-religious (and gender neutral) readings. Our officiant provided one of the passages we ending up using (an adapted version of "Love" by Roy Croft) and we found the other after consulting wedding books, magazines and professional wedding web sites ("Learn How to Live" by Walter Rinder). We specifically chose Brandon’s aunt and Peter’s mother to do the readings in order to have our families involved in the ceremony as much as possible.
EXCHANGING OF RINGS Purpose:
physical symbols of each partner’s commitment to the other; symbols of
the eternity of the bond (i.e. a circular line has no end) Adaptation:
Engagement tradition calls for a man to give a ring to his intended
bride upon Deciding
to wear the bands on the traditional wedding ring finger wasn’t an
issue for us. We don’t
see our commitment as being any less significant than a straight
marriage so why would we choose to wear the ring in a less significant
location? We realize that
every now and then strangers will likely notice the ring and harmlessly enquire
about the marriage but as we are both out in our personal and
professional lives we have no problem honestly answering any such
queries. In fact, we
look forward to the opportunity to educate straight society and to
provide a model for gay men who might have similar aspirations.
THE DECLARATION / PRONOUNCEMENT Purpose:
to formally and publicly declare the union
The solution was to announce more of a recognition than a declaration: Brandon and Peter have agreed to go forward in life together, seeking an even richer and deeper relationship. They have pledged themselves to seek joy and overcome sorrow together. Since you have pledged yourselves to each other in the presence of loving family and friends, we hereby recognize you as partners for life. And as for sealing the union with a kiss, while we respect the fact that friends and family likely did not want to watch the two of us going at it up on the altar, we would have been remiss not to seal such a profoundly intimate bond without at least a gentle peck!
PRESENTATION OF THE COUPLE Purpose:
to formally announce the names by which the married couple will
henceforth present themselves in public life Adaptation:
At times we have thought that a shared name would
CERTIFICATE SIGNING
Adaptation: The fact that there’s no such thing as a marriage certificate for gay and lesbian couples actually means little in Ontario (to us, at least) as the province now recognizes same-sex common law spouses. And originally the Certificate of Commitment our officiant offered seemed the equivalent of a Disneyland souvenir because no matter how official it may have appeared, it would hold absolutely no legal significance. However, we both desired a certificate signing to symbolize the personal contract we were making with each other. Our solution was to individually replicate all of the automatic marriage rights and responsibilities that were not already covered by Ontario common-law statutes (i.e. property rights). We consulted our lawyer, updated our wills, revised our insurance and retirement savings plan beneficiary information and drafted our own domestic partnership agreement. (Ironically, as a result of the many hours of research and discussions necessary to create these documents, we were probably far more aware of the rights and responsibilities of marriage than are most heterosexual fiancés!) We then signed the partnership agreement at the ceremony as a representation of our legal commitment to each other. We also ended up including our officiant's certificate in the signing ceremony after all, as a symbol of the emotional aspect of our commitment - a symbol made all the more poignant by having our best men witness the signing. The book Legal Affairs is an excellent guide to the rights and responsibilities of a lifelong commitment and echoed much of our philosophy: Having a ceremony without any legal agreements doesn't bestow any legal duties . . . A ceremony is, however, often accompanied by a visit to a lawyer to establish a legal relationship, and even when it isn't, the ceremony can change the actions of the couple , and this can have significance. If you are ready to make the commitment that a public utterance of vows symbolizes, seize the occasion as an opportunity to resolve your practical and financial issues - just as legal marriage should do for heterosexual couples. Researching the legal aspects of our commitment was second only to our marriage preparation course in ensuring that we were well aware of the tremendous implications of our decision to spend the rest of our lives together.
RECEPTION TOASTS
Adaptation: There is a very specific traditional and non-traditional order for toasts to be made but both are definitely gender based. The latter is more egalitarian though and so was easier to adapt:
WEDDING CAKE Note: We decided a few months before the wedding that the cost of a professional cake was relatively exorbitant and that the money could be put to much better use entertaining our guests at the after-party! However, we have posted our original ideas as they are simple yet very effective solutions to the traditionally feminine matrimonial cake for anyone who is interested Purpose: the bridal cake originated as a sign of fertility. Adaptation: Well, we
didn’t have much need for a fertility symbol. And we found the traditional
As for figurines, they are becoming less common on top of traditional cakes which was fine with us since two plastic grooms would have suggested farce much more than they implied love or commitment. We agreed with our cake maker that a topper which highlights the theme is a much more mature choice, regardless of the newlyweds’ genders! Ironically enough, during our research we also discovered the existence of the tradition of the "groom’s cake". It is usually smaller, darker and richer than the bride’s cake and often shaped like something that reflects his job or hobby. Traditionally, slices are sent home with guests in little boxes and single women are supposed to sleep with them under their pillow that night and dream of their wedding or future husband!
OTHER RECEPTION TRADITIONS Bouquet and Garter Toss, First Dances - who needs ‘em? We knew that by the time everyone arrived at the club for the after-party, the traditional part of the day would be over and the celebration would be kicking into high gear!
ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT It was pretty simple to adapt the wording used by Emily Post and in actual newspapers. Other than some initial confusion at the Toronto Star's order desk (the agent kept trying to figure out which of the female names in the ad belonged to which fiancée) neither newspaper seemed phased at placing a same-sex announcement. Good old Canada! See PLANNING for more details and the actual announcement.
GIFT REGISTRY We had never intended to register for fear of giving people the impression that the commitment ceremony was little more than a cash grab. However, our guests' insistence that we register just like any other engaged couple was a real eye opener because it made it clear that they viewed the wedding as even more genuine than we did! As with the placing of the engagement announcement, the staff didn't seemed the slightest bit phased when we registered at The Bay and Restoration Hardware. Indeed, both stores even had gender-neutral registries which was quite appreciated (their registries are named "wedding" instead of "bridal" and they don't identify the couple as "bride" or "groom".) In the end we were thrilled that we acquiesced to our guests' demands. Not only was the registry extremely practical for our guests but the process itself turned out to be one of the things that made us truly feel engaged (any couple who has ever registered for a wedding will know exactly what we mean).
WEDDING SHOWER This was very similar to our registry experience. A shower was something we initially resisted out of concern for appearing materialistic and out of a misguided perception that we didn't deserve people's generosity. It turned out to be something that proved to us without a doubt how much our friends believed in us and in our wedding. We would advise other engaged gay couples to keep in mind that a shower is very important to your friends so just enjoy the experience rather than try to discourage it. All you need to do on your end is be sure to register well in advance of the wedding date so that shower guests can also take advantage of the convenience of the registry.
the grooms | our story | planning | the wedding | guest info | same-sex ceremonies honeymoon | photo album | referrals | tips | guestbook | e-mail | marshalltaylor.ca © 2002 Page last updated December 31, 2008 |
|
